“I’m a scumbag, yo. I don’t give a fuck.”



          I strolled through the crowds with a smile on my face. It was the first party I had been to since breaking up with Allison and I was definitely on the prowl for some strange. A few brunettes caught my eye, but it was a familiar blonde that stopped me in my tracks.

          “Hi, Darren,” she said with a smile.

          “Sonia…hey. How are you?”

          “Good. How’ve you been?”

          “Good. It’s been awhile.”

          “Yes, it has.”

          My eyes poured over the pretty sophomore. She had long blonde hair, a thin build, and that rare type of snowflake fair complexion that made her seem soft and delicate rather than pale and washed out.

          I smiled and said, “I haven’t seen you since you and Lillian drank with us in my dorm room last year. You kind of fell off the face of the earth after that.”

          Sonia nodded. “I really concentrated on school last year, but I’m starting to go out a lot more now.”

          “How are your classes going this semester?”

          “Good. What about you? Are you going to class this semester?”

          I chuckled. “Yeah, I was pretty bad last year. Lillian must’ve thought I was a terrible lab partner, but I do go to class now.”

          “Good. You’re too smart to skip class all the time.”

          Her words were kind. They always were. This made it difficult to determine if she was attracted to me or was just being polite. I decided to gauge her interest in me by demonstrating interest in her.

“So are you still thinking about working with children who have communication disorders?”

          “I am,” she replied, pleased that I had remembered. “And you’re a psychology major, right?”


          Her golden brown eyes widened. “Wow, Darren. That’s so interesting. I took an introduction to philosophy class last year and it was way above my head. What do you think you’ll do with that, go to law school?”

          I shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe write. But I’m in ROTC now, so I plan on joining the army when I graduate.”

          “That’s very honorable. I have a ton of respect for people in the military. You guys are willing to give up so much to serve our country.”

          “Yeah, we’re regular heroes,” I replied and playfully added, “You should come see me in my uniform sometime.”

          She smiled sweetly. “I would like that. I bet you look very handsome.”

          I finished off my beer and noticed that Sonia’s cup was also empty. “Do you want to get another beer?” I asked.

          “No, not right now,” she replied in a soft voice. “But I’ll come with you to the keg if you want me to.”

          I smiled warmly at her. “Okay. Let’s go.”

          We walked through the large open field area lying behind a row of townhouses. Located just off campus, in-between the French Town ghetto and Tennessee Street, the dark brown townhouses in this area were all rented by college students who always threw huge backyard keg parties.

Incidentally, this was the same place I met Allison over a year ago at a Halloween party. As Sonia and I made our way through the crowds, I pondered how different this gentle blonde seemed to be from my dark-haired ex-girlfriend. Allison would have gone out of her way to help me out of a jam, but that did not necessarily make her a good person. There was always something wild and malicious about Allison lurking beneath the surface. Of course, this was probably the same quality that made her such an enjoyable she-devil in the bedroom.

          “Have you been here awhile?” Sonia asked me.

          “Not too long. Blake and I were drinking at KEN’s Tavern before we got here.”

          “Blake’s here too?” she asked.

          “Yeah, somewhere around here…probably in a ditch.”


          I grinned. “He drank a lot tonight.”

          Sonia and I reached the keg with its customary encirclement of drunk college students. They looked like a horde of wild animals gathered around the waterhole, seeking the nourishment of alcohol and the company of potential mates. There were quite a few attractive young women waiting in line and there were many more pretty girls scattered around the outdoor party. I was thus astonished to see my roommate standing nearby, hugged up on some ugly girl he knew from one of his classes.

Blake’s droopy bloodshot eyes indicated that his intoxication level had reached the point of no return. He was holding the grotesque girl from behind with both arms wrapped around her giant pooch of a stomach. Her red blouse was pulled up slightly and I grimaced when I caught a glimpse of her belly ring. Why an overweight girl would want to draw attention to her bulging stomach with such an adornment was beyond my understanding.

          “Hey, Sonia!” a voice said excitedly. “I just met some hot guy.”

          We both turned to see a decent-looking brunette with a full cup of beer.

Sonia smiled. “Tracy, this is Darren. Darren this is my roommate.”

          “Hi,” I said.

          Tracy quickly sized me up. “Wow. I guess you found one too.”

          Sonia laughed pleasantly. “Darren and I know each other from last year. He used to be Lillian’s lab partner.”

          Tracy’s nose curled. “Eeew. I’ll try not to hold that against you.”

          “Be nice, Tracy,” Sonia replied patiently.

          My eyes had drifted over the brunette’s shoulder to see Blake embracing the ugly fat girl again. It was time for an intervention.

          “Ladies,” I asked, “will you excuse me for a second? There’s something I need to take care of.”

          “Sure,” Tracy said. “That’ll give us a chance to talk about you.”

          I smiled and headed straight for Blake. A good friend never let his boys make a bad decision about hooking up with a nasty girl. Unless, of course, he happened to be the renowned chubby-chaser of your group of friends.

          The tone of voice I directed towards my drunk roommate was that of both ridicule and guidance.

          “Blake, what’re you doing?” I asked.

          He ignored me and whispered into the chubby girl’s ear. “Girl, you’re so sexy.”

          She smiled in response to his flattery, but when Blake tried to reach his head around and kiss her on the mouth, she giggled and gave him a freckled cheek. The ugly girl denied him twice more before I grabbed my roommate by the arm and dragged him around the corner of the nearest townhouse.

           “What the fuck are you doing?” I exclaimed. “That girl is terrible!”

          Blake seemed to be staring right through me with a blank look on his face. It took a few seconds for my words to register, but when he did finally understand their meaning, the philosophical quality of his response surprised me. He shrugged his shoulders and made a hissing-clicking noise you might make if you were shucking at something disagreeable.

          “You know what,” he slurred, “that’s just the way it is. I’m a scumbag, yo. I don’t give a fuck.”

          Before I could reply, Blake shrugged his shoulders again and said, “That’s me, yo. That’s Blake. Oh well.” Another shoulder shrug. “Oh well. Blake is a scumbag and scumbags do scumbag things. I don’t give a fuck.”

          I laughed my ass off. My roommate’s blatant admission of his lower human dignity was too much for me to handle.

          “Alright, man,” I said with a chuckle. “Do what you gotta do, but don’t bitch at me tomorrow for not trying to stop you.”

          “I don’t bitch,” he slurred. “I fuck bitches in the mouth.”

          We returned to the party and I was pleased to discover the fat girl had vanished. I was even happier to see that Sonia was still waiting for me.

“Darren, are you guys leaving soon?” she asked. “My roommate just left with some guy and I need a ride.”

          I stole a quick glance in the direction of Blake whose crooked stance gave me the impression that he was about to fall over. It was definitely time to leave.

          “Sure,” I replied. “I can give you a ride. We’re leaving now too.”

          Sonia lived in a small white house on Airport Road which was only a few miles away. When we arrived, I walked her to the front door without any expectations. Sonia was a good girl and good girls don’t invite drunk boys inside unless they have shared an incrementally built history of trust and intimacy. Not that it would have mattered. I was on Blake babysitting duty tonight.

          Standing on the front porch together, I held Sonia’s hands and turned on the gentleman charm.

          “It was great to see you again tonight. Can I call you sometime?”

          “I’d like that,” she replied with a smile. “Do you have my number?”

I pulled out my cell phone and punched in her digits. It surprised me that I asked for her phone number because I knew I would probably never call her. I liked Sonia, but not enough to put in the necessary work to spread her thighs.

“Are you still friends with Lillian?” I asked. “I saw her on campus the other day.”

          “Yes. We’re still friends, but she spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. Isn’t he one of your brothers?”

          “Yeah, I barely see Duffy now.”

          I glanced in the direction of my car and silently cursed Blake’s need to entertain himself during the car ride by talking shit about all of our fraternity brothers that he hated. His drunk, vulgar mouth was not something a sweet girl like Sonia would have appreciated.

          “I’m sorry about Blake tonight,” I said. “He was really wasted.”

          Sonia shook her head, denying the need for me to apologize. “He was funny,” she replied. “I like Blake. I’m glad you two are still friends too.”

          I searched her golden brown eyes with fascination. This girl was incredibly too gentle-hearted. It couldn’t be real.

          “Sonia,” I said softly, “it really was nice to see you again.”

          “It was nice to see you too, Darren.”

          Her kind eyes sparkled and her lips invitingly formed into a smile. I took a step closer, narrowing the gap between us, and then leaned in to kiss her. It was neither passionate nor lustful, just a soft peck on the lips. I wished her goodnight and walked back to my car feeling far more elated than any young man should feel after such an innocent kiss. Maybe it was because she seemed so pure or maybe it was because she was the first girl I had kissed as a single man. Sometimes the circumstances are all that mattered. Even in a promiscuous sex haven like Tallahassee—who and why can be more important than how far.

          But that didn’t stop Blake from making fun of me. I climbed back behind the wheel and was surprised to discover that my intoxicated roommate had crawled out of the backseat and was now sitting shotgun.

          “Tah ha,” he laughed, “that was a tender fucking moment. I liked how you held her hands.”

          My eyebrows arched. “Yeah, motherfucker?”

          “Tah ha ha…I should’ve taken a picture.”

“Fuck you. I could blackmail you with any pictures I took of you pressing up on that nasty bitch at the party.”

          Blake made a shucking noise. “Man, yo…that girl was stupid hot.”

          My eyes widened. “Are you kidding me? That girl was a beast. She looked like a fat Raggedy Anne.”

          “Whateva, yo,” he said and grabbed his dick.  “I’d fuck her right now.”

          I measured my roommate’s composure. Blake seemed to have partially sobered up during the short car ride, so maybe I didn’t need to take him home just yet. And I definitely didn’t want to go home empty-handed.

          “Do you want to call it a night?” I asked. “Or do you want to stop by Upsilon and see if anything is going on.”

          My roommate shrugged. “I’m down for whatever.”

          “Good. Maybe there’ll be some little sluts over there.”

          Blake turned on the stereo. “Hell yeah. If there’s any pledges there, we can haze em!”

          Rap music boomed from the Integra speakers as I backed out of the driveway and headed towards the Upsilon House. This was always one of the perks of belonging to a fraternity. At the end of the night when the bars were closed and all the parties were broken up, there were always brothers hanging out at the fraternity house with alcohol and women.

But when we arrived at the house, the after-party was not yet underway. It was only 1:40 AM which meant that most of my brothers were probably still at KEN’S Tavern or other bars and parties around Tallahassee.

          “Damn,” I cursed as we stared at the empty courtyard. “You want to shoot some pool and wait for people to get back?”

          My roommate shrugged. “Whateva, yo.”

          We walked across the courtyard towards the basement and it occurred to me that the last time I had been inside the house was a week ago during the miserable aftermath of the Goldman Affair. This memory caused my blood to boil.        

          “Fuck the older brothers!” I snarled and smashed my elbow through an exterior window of the basement.

          Once we were inside the basement, Blake followed my lead and we both went ape shit. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and couches were overturned. We even flipped over the big oak table that the Executive Officers sat behind during our Chapter meetings. After overturning my third couch, I whirled around and observed Blake attempting to kick off the legs of the Executive Table with all the ferocity of a Tasmanian Devil. It was at this inopportune moment that the President of Upsilon entered the basement.

          “What the hell is going on?” Bishop screamed when he saw both the wreckage and Blake’s visceral display of fury.

          With no excuse to offer, Blake and I put our heads down like two school children sent to the principal’s office and walked out of the basement trying to contain our laughter. Bishop watched us slink off into the night, but he did not say another word.

          Halfway home to our apartment, I turned to Blake and asked, “What the hell did we just do that for?”

          My roommate did not respond. He was slumped over, passed out on my dashboard. The kid looked dead. When we pulled into the parking lot, I had to reach over and wake him.

          “Yo, get up, playa,” I said. “We’re home.”

          Blake shook his spiky head back and forth on the dashboard and mumbled, “Nah, yo. Let me sleep right here.”

          “Fuck that shit,” I replied. “I don’t want you puking in my car.”

           “Blake don’t puke,” he slurred. “When the fuck have you ever seen Blake puke?”

          Panama City. When you took that sixty second Jersey hit from the hookah.”

          “Showed you motherfuckers, didn’t I?”

          “Yeah, you showed us alright. Right before you puked all over the keg.”

          “Hell yeah, yo. Fuck that keg. And fuck that stripper.”

          I laughed. “That’s right! That was the same night that black stripper Shanasty accidentally kicked you in the head.”

          Blake shook his head on the dashboard. “Nah, yo. She did that shit on purpose. Almost gave me a concussion.”

          Chuckling at the memory, I walked around my car and dragged Blake out of the passenger seat. Once my roommate was forced to his feet, he immediately started to move towards our building by staggering forward a few steps to his left and then stumbling forward a few steps back to his right. I took hold of Blake’s arm before he managed to trip on the sidewalk ledge and guided him safely towards our apartment.

          When we reached the bottom of the staircase, he leaned over on the railing, folded his arms into a pillow, and laid his head down.

          “I’ll sleep right here, yo,” he mumbled.

          I laughed and pulled my roommate away from the railing. His body lurched forward and I helped him walk up the stairs to our second floor apartment.

          “You’re almost there, kid,” I encouraged him. “In a few seconds you can pass out in your bed alone and without that nasty fat bitch.”

          “That girl was hot, yo,” Blake slurred.

          “Yeah, man…tell me that shit Monday afternoon when you see her in class.”

          “Fuck a class!” he slurred angrily. “I hate classes!”

           We reached the top of the stairs and pressed onwards towards our apartment. I opened the front door and Blake staggered inside, using his hands to guide and support his way around the hallway back to his bedroom. He collapsed on the bed like a bag of bricks and I yanked his Lugz boots off his feet and tossed them in the corner.

          “Thanks, yo,” Blake mumbled before rolling over and instantly passing out.

          “Scumbag,” I said with a laugh and closed the door behind me.

          After chugging a late night protein shake in the kitchen, I brushed my teeth and climbed into bed. An hour later, I was rudely woken by the sound of the telephone.

          “Hello?” I answered with great annoyance.

          “Hi, it’s me.”

          Allison’s voice. I was not surprised. Although broken up, we still communicated nearly every day and were still having sex regularly. But it was odd for her to be calling at this time of night since we usually had afternoon booty call sex.

          “What’s up?” I asked. “Are you okay?”

          “I’m stranded at some house party…can you come pick me up?”

          Dead tired and still drunk, I had no desire to provide taxi service to my ex-girlfriend, but it was the least I could do to make up for all the grief I had recently caused her. So I dragged myself out of bed, jotted down the directions she gave me, and exited my apartment.


*   *   *   *   *


          Two miles away, Allison was sliding her jeans back on as she stared down at a rolled up dollar bill and white powder residue. She felt disgusted with herself and anger at her ex-boyfriend. It was his fault she was here.

          The naked young man looked up at her from the bed and asked, “Did you find a ride?”

          “Yeah. My boyfriend is coming to pick me up.”

          His eyebrows arched in surprise. “Your boyfriend? You’re gonna have him come here?”


          “Is that a good idea?”

          Allison shrugged and continued putting on her clothes. A few minutes later she was standing on the porch and realized she forgot her purse inside the house, but when she tried to enter the front door, it was locked and the young man refused to answer it when she knocked. Probably because she told him her boyfriend was coming over.

          Headlights streamed down the street. Allison stared at the moving vehicle and recognized her ex-boyfriend’s Integra.


*   *   *   *   *


          It was nearly four in the morning and the dark suburban neighborhood seemed dead of life until I saw Allison standing in front of a beige-colored house. She approached my car and I nervously watched her climb into the passenger seat where Sonia had been sitting a few hours earlier. A part of me feared that her female sixth sense might detect that I had been courting another woman tonight.

          “Hi,” I said and forced my lips into a weak smile.    “Hey,” Allison replied without much interest in me at all. She was an absolute mess—drunk, disoriented, and extremely angry about something.

          “What’s wrong?” I asked.        

          “I left my purse inside,” she complained irritably.

          “So go get it.”

          “I can’t.”

          “Why not?”

          “I put it in some guy’s room because I didn’t want to carry it around with me all night. Now he has some stupid girl in there and he won’t even answer the door!”

          Drunk, tired, and annoyed, the last thing I wanted to do was sit in a car at 3:50 AM and listen to her bitch.

So I cut off the ignition and asked, “Do you want me to go in there and get it? I’ll pound on the fucking door until he answers it.”

          Allison thought about the bullet holes she had seen in the walls and how the young man she had just slept with said he and his roommates liked to shoot their guns for fun.

          “Allison,” I asked again, “do you want me to get it or not?”

          “No…I’ll come get it tomorrow,” she replied in a spacey tone of voice. “Let’s go.”

          Taking these words as my cue, I turned on the ignition and drove back to Casa Cordoba. I told myself I was too tired to take Allison the extra mile to her Jefferson Place apartment, but in the back of my mind, I also knew that having morning sex with her would be a welcome treat—especially since I would have some sweet memories of Sonia to evoke. But sex was not the only reason I wanted her to come over. Beneath the macho facade I always displayed, there was a part of me that missed the pleasures of sleeping next to a soft, familiar female body every night. This was particularly true of Allison since she had that rare and fortunate quality in a girl that she did not feel the insatiable need to cuddle during sleep. There is nothing worse than trying to sleep next to a “leg thrower” who has to smother you during the night with her entire body.

          Moments later, we pulled into my apartment complex and were soon walking up the same flight of stairs that my roommate tried to sleep on earlier in the night.

          “So whose party was it anyways?” I asked.

          “Just one of my fraternity brothers,” Allison replied.

          “Was it fun?”

          “Yeah…it was okay,” she said aloofly.

          My ex-girlfriend continued to act strange when we entered my bedroom. She picked up a Playboy in the bathroom and immediately started cussing and ripping up the nude pictures. The magazine had been sitting on top of the toilet the entire time we dated, so it was highly irregular for her to be pissed about it now.

          I stared at her in bewilderment. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I just got out of bed to come pick you up at some party and now you’re acting like this?”

          “Fuck these girls!” Allison snarled as she continued to wildly rip up the torn pages into even smaller shreds.

          Maybe Allison did sense that I had been on the prowl, enjoying what the single life of Tallahassee had to offer. Too fatigued to deal with ex-girlfriend drama, I turned off the lights and climbed into bed. She joined me a few moments later and crawled under my sheets with another man’s sweat and scent all over her body. We both passed out.

          The following morning, I stood on the shredded pages of the Playboy as I drained a night’s worth of alcohol into the toilet. I was extremely annoyed by Allison’s behavior and decided to drive her home instead of having morning sex.

          Hours later when I was done beating off to a threesome fantasy of Sonia and her roommate Tracy, I stared blankly at the ceiling. I felt guilty about bringing my ex-girlfriend home to my bed after pressing up on another woman. Guilty and apprehensive.

Had Allison suspected something? Did her female sixth sense kick in? Or was her bizarre behavior a symptom of something else? Maybe I wasn’t the only one enjoying the single life. No...she wouldn’t do that, would she?

I decided she wouldn’t and rolled over and went back to sleep.

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